In Montessori, the process of learning to use the toilet is not called "potty training," but instead "toilet learning." It involves creating a supportive and prepared environment and enabling the child to take an active role in the process. This can include providing a child-sized toilet or potty, prompting children to check in with their body and sit on the toilet regularly, and clothing that is easy for the child to manage independently. All of my toilet learning links and recommendations can be found here. Although I have many years of experience working with children and did a lot of research before starting this process, I am not a toilet learning expert and have only fully gone through the process start to finish with my one child. Here I share a combination of what the books and courses I took said and what worked for us. Of course, always do what you feel will work best for your child and your family, as long as you are respecting your child along the way!
When to Start
Montessori families and schools generally begin the toilet learning process earlier than traditional schools and families typically do. Many Montessori families and schools begin the toilet awareness process around 12 months old then dive into full toilet learning around 18 to 24 months. It's interesting to note that 50 years ago, the age at which Montessorians teach using the toilet was the normal age. Dr. Montessori theorized that there is a sensitive period for toilet learning before 24 months of age (I have read that she said 12-24 months from some sources and that she said 18-24 months from other sources). Experts in the field of potty training generally recommend training between 20 to 30 months, and some say that at age 20 to 24 months you will encounter less resistance (although I think this depends a lot on the child's personality and temperament). Of course, many factors specific to your child and family will play a role in when you decide to start the toilet learning process. Do what you feel will work best for your child and your family! We started at 21 months but it was definitely a long process for us.
Toilet Awareness
Toilet awareness is the process of becoming aware of what the toilet is used for and how the process works. Montessori families and schools often begin this between 12 and 18 months; we began at about 13 months old. During the period of toilet awareness, diaper changes can be moved into the bathroom if not already done there and can be done standing up (we generally still changed poo laying down personally, though). A child-sized potty can be introduced, and the child can sit on it before getting a clean diaper put on. We liked to read a book or two while Sophie sat on the potty, and have quite a few books about potty learning specifically (all my toilet learning recommendations, including books, can be found here). It also is important to allow your child to come to the bathroom with you and see how you use the toilet, including wiping, flushing and washing your hands, while you narrate the process.
Toilet Learning Readiness
How do you know your child is ready for toilet learning? Other than age (see above), there are a few signs to look for. First, can your child communicate basic things to your either verbally or non-verbally? Next, can the follow a few steps in a process, with your assistance? Finally, and in my opinion the most importantly, are you as the adult (and any other primary caregivers) ready to deal with a process that could potentially be long, frustrating, messy, and time-consuming?
Although interest in the toileting process and staying dry for periods of time can be great, by using toilet awareness (see above) some level of interest in the process will already be there, and interest can be encouraged through modeling, reading books about using the potty, and making using the potty fun such as blowing bubbles or singing. My daughter Sophie was not staying dry for any significant period of time when we started, and she still successfully learned how to use the toilet (although I will say the process was not quick or easy for us). Both of these are things that may never come (for example, I am personally one of those people who just has to pee a lot!), so I do not see them as particularly important to starting, although they could make the process easier if those signs are present.
Getting Started
First and foremost, prepare the environment (if you haven't already) and prepare yourself! Our environment was mostly prepared since we did toilet awareness (see above), but we made sure we had a few small potties around the house (you could use the big toilet, but many children find it scarier), a stool for the sink, a basket of books about using the potty in the bathroom, a portable potty, a folding on-the-go potty seat, and lots of extra clothing for once we were ready to add clothes. Recommended links for all of these can be found here; I recommend One Proud Toddler for the folding on-the-go potty seat (use JENNA10 for a discount). We already were having Sophie sit on the potty regularly and I was letting her come to the bathroom with me to observe the process and show her how it works.
To prepare myself, I read the book Oh Crap! Potty Training and took the Big Little Feelings Potty Training Made Simple online course as well as the toilet learning online course offered by The Montessori Notebook. I am an over-preparer, but I do recommend at least looking at some information (such as this post!) and having a plan. Most importantly, I planned dates where I could be home with Sophie for a few days straight with zero plans to leave the house, then I planned to have another caregiver stay home with her for another few days, so she could be home for a full week with minimal outings. If you aren't able to make a whole week work, I recommend planning to have at least a long weekend at home with no obligations outside the house.
Side Note: A Fully Child-Led Approach
Some Montessori families use a more fully child-led approach than this one, where the child makes more of the decision about whether he or she is ready to start using the toilet full time (these families still generally start with the toilet awareness component above). However, due to Sophie's personality and our family's needs (such as us working full-time, Sophie going into full-time childcare at the end of the summer, and her childcare requiring children to be fully toilet independent by a certain age to enter the next class), we did not take a fully child-led approach. I think the fully child-led approach can certainly work for some children, but have personally seen children at age 3 or 4 who are still perfectly happy in diapers or pull-ups, so I think whether this will work will depend on the child. The process I explain here is respectful of the child and involves preparing the environment, the adult, and setting the child up for success in a learning process, so it's still plenty Montessori for me personally.
How Long Will It Take?
This will, of course, be different for each child. My mom swears I potty trained in a day or two with almost no accidents at about 23 months old, but for my daughter the whole process took a few months to get to a good point (from about 21 to 23/24 months). It's important to be patient and respect your child's learning process while staying consistent with however you choose to go about it. Personally, I wouldn't recommend getting your hopes up about it only taking a few days, as that is not the norm. Information and sources online vary, but what I found said the average amount of time it takes is two to six months.
First Phase: Bare Bottom
For the first phase, which could last anywhere from a day or two to closer to a week, have your child bare-bottomed and keep a potty close by at all times. I believe this was the most crucial step to our success. We just stayed home and hung out around the house (and in the backyard). There were a ton of misses (a nicer word for accidents, because they are just starting to learn, so they really aren't even accidents yet! They're just an expected part of the learning process.) during the first day and a half, but she definitely started realizing what was going on and something clicked around day 1.5. The goal is for the child to go from realizing they've peed to realizing they're going pee to realizing they need to go ahead of time (and the same for #2). This will all be much easier without clothing getting in the way.
How exactly you prompt your child may need to depend some on his or her personality. You might take them to sit on the potty every so often or you might just remind them where the potty is and let them do their thing. Either way, I wouldn't prompt them more than every 30 minutes. We did a combination of these two methods, but once I let Sophie just do her thing (but reminding her where the potty was if she needed it every so often) she did much better. I also generally did and still do take her with me to the bathroom when I go and offer the potty then.
During this phase, it's important to be fully focused on toilet learning and looking for signs that your child needs to go. Once they start going or you see a sign they need to go (these will be different for each child but may include a blank stare, tiptoe walking, etc.), immediately take them to the potty. Most of this phase will be spent watching them to learn their signs and to catch their signs.
Even if some pee or poo gets in the potty, be encouraging and let them help pour it into the big toilet and flush (if they want to). You could say something like "You got your pee in the potty!" in a happy way. If they have a miss, say something like "pee goes in the potty" and you can invite them to help clean it up if you want, but don't scold them or get upset. I've also read that it's better to avoid saying "it's okay" when they have a miss though, because we want them to know that the pee should go in the potty and not on the floor. In Montessori, rewards and punishments are avoided, so we did not offer M&M's for a success or get mad if she had a miss. We did praise some when she was successful, such as "you did it! You listened to your body and got to the potty" but tried not to overdo it. The Big Little Feelings course (linked above) had a lot of great scripts to use for both successes and misses and has printable versions you can print out to use.
The first few days are totally exhausting because you may pretty much spend the day watching the child and cleaning up misses. Expect this and prepare backup caregiving support if you can. However, do not go anywhere until they are starting to get the hang of it! Putting them in a diaper or pull-up will prolong the process and can be confusing for them.
Side Note: Naps & Nights
Since we started the toilet learning process pretty young, we did not try to tackle sleep training at the same time. I have heard that as those muscles get stronger over time with daytime potty training, many kids figure night dryness out on their own. Sophie just turned two as of this writing and we will reevaluate in a year or so whether we need to do anything besides wait for her to figure it out on her own (and likely limit liquids close to bedtime sometime in the future). That being said, we do pull-ups for sleep and plan to for the time being. Night dryness is physiological and not something that can be taught like daytime potty learning, so it's not something we're worried about at this point.
Second Phase: Add Bottoms & Short Outings
Once your child seems to be "getting it" when bare-butted (although it's okay if they are still having some misses), you can add loose shorts or pants without underwear. For us, this phase was very challenging and it made me fully believe in the bare-butt first method. We actually would go back to the bare butt intermittently if we were at home for a while because adding the shorts made it so challenging. The reason to avoid underwear at this point is because it's tight on them and can feel too much like a diaper. Also, it's just one more thing to need to wash.
Continue the prompting method that worked for you and continue watching for their signs. They may need more help now (depending on their age) because they will have to push their shorts or pants down. This is something to continue working on with them. They also will likely need help wiping #2, possibly for multiple more years!
If you have been home for at least a few days and your child is doing pretty well, you can add short outings. The shorter the better to start. For us, we added a walk to the neighborhood park by about 5 days in and brought a portable potty (and plenty of extra clothes) with us. Progressively add longer outings and offer the potty often (either a portable potty or a potty seat on a big toilet). Always bring lots of extra clothes! It's a good idea to get in the habit of trying the potty (we just do it together) before leaving the house or any location you are at.
Somewhere in this phase the child will hopefully start letting you know that he or she needs to use the potty (either verbally or non-verbally) at least some of the time. It might help to have an easy key word, phrase, or sign that you work on with them. Ours is just "potty time!"
For us, this phase ended up lasting months. Sophie returned to school, where she had too many misses her first day and they asked her to wear pull-ups at school for the time being, then we had quite a few trips. We ended up putting her in pull-ups intermittently for school, flights, long drives, and long outings throughout the summer, which definitely slowed down the process more than if we had just stuck with it. However, near the end of the summer we ditched the pull-ups completely except for sleep and really stuck with it and made a lot of progress.
Third Phase: Add Underwear & Be "Potty Trained"
After at least a few weeks into the potty learning process (if you have been keeping diapers/pull-ups off during daytime consistently and it's going pretty well), you can add underwear. I recommend the thicker training ones to help contain misses that will probably still be happening occasionally. At this point, your toddler is hopefully letting your know when he or she needs to go potty (verbally or non-verbally) a lot of the time, but you may still be prompting or suggesting trying the potty some as well (such as if it's been a while since your child has gone or before you leave the house to go somewhere).
We are now at the point where we don't have any misses on a typical day and where we can enjoy longer outings with minimal stress about pottying (like I mentioned, it took us multiple months to get to this point!). At 24 months old, we still help with the clothing down and up process, wiping as needed, and washing hands.
We only experienced one minor regression, but regressions are common, especially during big life changes such as a new sibling or move. For more information about handling issues such as regressions and poop fears, I recommend checking out the book and/or courses recommended above, as those and other common issues are covered more in-depth there.
Comments